She stopped thinking about Nicholas and New York all together; she didn’t even think about HIM, she just didn’t. She didn’t think anymore, she stopped that all together; and honestly she felt better that way. Without realizing it, she was “plunging herself” into things, she knew she couldn’t keep it up much longer but she did it anyway. Ever since she started reading “A Stolen Life”, all she thought about was her. She felt Jaycee Dugard’s pain, she felt what she felt, smelt what she smelt, and heard what she heard, everything in her own life was put on hold. Every time she secretly went to see him, they’d kiss, and after every kiss she thought about Nicholas. She remembered how hard it was for her to regain his trust after she slept with Anthony and how hurt he was when she told him. She didn’t want to hurt anyone, but she would have to regardless, but no matter what she chose, she’d end up hurt; yet somehow she knew one hurt was ‘long-term’ and the other was to be ‘short-lived’. She knew any pain with Nicholas would be ‘short-lived’, he’d make everything better, but he wasn’t always around and that’s what she wanted, someone to ALWAYS be around. For a girl that didn’t really believe in love (other than within her family) she sure wanted a lot of it. She felt selfish when she thought about her own problems, she could imagine little Jaycee Dugard locked in a room for 18 years of her life with two children conceived by rape, yet here she was contemplating between guys while Jaycee Dugard was trying to figure out if she was going to live each day. Oh, how Jaycee would have LOVED to have boy problems, this thing that’s killing her so much would have been a simple obstacle for Jaycee Dugard after what she’s been through. “Porgy” by Billie Holiday; she didn’t know the exact meaning behind the song, but that’s what she wanted, she wanted Nicholas to ‘rescue’ her, keep her, with him forever. Nicholas was always busy, with school, with driving his little brother and sister around; they decided to write letters to each other. Oh, how she loved when his letter arrived, she carefully, but quickly, opened then, anxious to read what he had said. But letters weren’t enough; she wanted to talk to him every day, to be reassured every day, about his love to her, but no luck. On the days she did text him, they only talked for a while, then he’d have to go and he’d say he’d try to text her during the day but he usually never did. She just wanted to be reassured, every day; loving her is a hard job, and not many are up for it. She just wanted Nicholas to say “Did I remember to tell you I love you? And I am living for you alone.” She knew Nicholas loved her, she knew it, but…she hadn’t thought about it yet. Her mother always told her she has to heal her heart completely before she gave it to someone else, but her heart never healed from HIM, Anthony, or the last fellow she had. How do you heal your heart? Is it like a broken leg, you have to put a cast on it and just give it time to heal on its’ own? The only thing she could think of was moving on, but she already did that; Nicholas would be waiting for her in New York and she thought that’d fix her heart. She doesn’t even know if things will work out between her and Nicholas. Was she better off not thinking and just doing? Oh, how she loved to be held by HIM, but his words weren’t ‘right’, Nicholas always knew what to say, he could ease her pain with just a few words. Now, at this very moment, she’s starting to think about New York again, and Nicholas, and how happy she’s going to be. But for now, does she keep on throwing herself into this huge tangled web, or walk away before she gets too stuck? She thinks about “Detour” by Billie Holiday, “The further you travel, the harder to unravel the web, it spins around you”.