As she tangles herself in her thoughts, she realizes something; that she knows nothing. Clara outdid herself this time, she did an unthinkable thing, something she did not see herself doing again for a very long time. She had casual sex with a not so casual guy. His name is Malikiah, Mali for short. It all started when Clara was 15 years old, Mali was 17, and Clara was dating Mali’s friend at the time. Mali did not like Clara, but he wanted to sleep with her, he told her, “I want to take our virginity.” Clara did like him, but she didn’t want to have sex with him. But Clara was foolish, making mistakes at every turn, so she cheated on her boyfriend with Mali. It was a cool summer night on an empty and dark college campus, Mali undressed her and grabbed her hand and placed it in his pants, gently. Two things contributed to them not having sex that night, one: he did not have a condom. Two: she was so nervous, she couldn’t even get wet. So they didn’t have sex; he dressed her, she apologized, and they went their separate ways. Three years later, Clara finds herself in a weird place; lost in her thoughts and tangled in her emotions, she does something very impulsive; she texts Mali. She said, “I want to get high and I want to get laid, think you could do both for me?” Mali replied with, “What took you so long? ;)” The next night, Mali picked her up from her house; the car ride to his house was filled with anxiety and disbelief. Being in his rented room didn’t put her at ease; she was still nervous, more than with any other guy she’s ever slept with. She remembers scarcely grabbing the pipe from Mali’s hand and smoking it the way she remembered, she felt her heart shaking, not thumping, shaking. She remembers the high hitting her harder than ever, her whole body felt uncontrollable. Then Mali put his arm around her and brings her close, she can literally feel his heart thumping against his chest; slowly, he kisses her. Her mouth was dry from smoking, and so was his; he quickly grabbed her and placed her on top of him. He removed her shirt, then her bra, she removed his shirt and unzipped his pants; she remembers thinking, “I can’t do this, I can’t…but I’m already here, I can’t do this to him again.” Soon after that thought, she had no more thoughts. He guided her to his bed and he slowly penetrated her; she moaned and softly cried out, “It hurts so good.” He trusted and pushed as hard as he could, softly moaning and saying “Oh my God, you’re so tight.” This comment flattered Clara for some reason. Beyond that, she can’t remember; she was too high; she just remembers the ceiling of his bedroom and his small silhouetted body thrusting over her plump and fragile body. It lasted a while, she remembers, but after they were done, it felt like they hadn’t done it. It felt like she got dressed quicker than she got undressed and just like that they were on their way to drop her off. She remembers almost getting in a car accident in the free way a few times, and thinking to herself, “God is going to kill me for this.” But she made it, but with no regrets. She didn’t find any emotional attachment to Mali, whatsoever. She didn’t even have a conscience about what they had done, her mind was as blank as a freshly stretched canvas. But then it hit her, not the fact that she had sex with Mali, but the fact that she liked it, that fact that it didn’t bother her to have casual sex with him. She was so sure of herself; she was on this road, the right road, and now she was in the middle of nowhere with no map to guide her. She began to rethink her future, did she really want to do what she wanted to do? Did she really care so much about being wealthy one day and owning a big house with a loving husband and loving children? She got lost in her thoughts; she heard a song play on Pandora called “Names” by Cat Power. If you’ve heard, you know what it’s about. She imagined her name in it, and sang to herself after the song was over, “Her name was Clara, she liked to write, she got lost in her thoughts, and slowly died. She was 18 years old, she was a very lost soul.”