4:28am in the morning and Clara’s eyes are very heavy, but they can’t seem to close. It’s the New Year and what now? So far all she’s done is eat, sit around, eat, think, yawn, listen to music, and eat some more. The only thing that appears to be heading for a change is her weight. Mali text her, he wants to “hang out”, if that were so, and even if that were, they wouldn’t have much to talk about. What’s happening here? It seems as though Clara is moving backwards, that progress she made, that turn around that occurred midyear 2011, where did it go? What happened? She wants change, but where does she start? Surely not at church, that triggered her walk backwards, but at one point it did help. What now? What’s going to turn her around now? Surely, not sleeping with Mali again; she spoke with Nicholas after not really speaking to him for a while, and she was reminded of why she liked Nicholas so much. He really can’t be compared to any low life, horny, jerk. But Nicholas seems so far away, so impossible, just not so. New York all together seems and feels that way. Clara just wants to melt into her comfortable couch and watch movies for the rest of her life, that way she doesn’t have to live her own life. Sometimes she can be so depressing, she gets those days when she literally wants to do nothing, how sad is that. But, when she’s happy, it’s the greatest thing in the world, like every couple out there in the world sharing a wonderful orgasm, or every junkie and drug addict reaching their highest of highs without the overdose; but once she’s there, she can’t remember how she got there, and she can’t ever remember how to get to that point. She’s bored with life, she wants something new, different and exciting; but what? Nicholas? New York? Nicholas and New York? This constant mental search for happiness is going to drive her mad, and if she doesn’t find her “fix”, God knows what’ll happen.